A woman. Standing.
Woman:
Am I a good person? Am I a bad person? Am I one of those people that pass through life sort of just passing. Passing by? Am I content? Am I needy? Do I always want for things? Are they things that I actually need?
Am I a good person? Am I a bad person? Am I one of those people that are seen? That are actually seen when they walk through a door? Into a room? Am I one of those? Hum.
Will I be remembered? Forgotten? Does that even matter? I guess it shouldn’t? Really. Should it? Nah.
Pause
I was ten. Ten years of ages. Approximately three thousand, six hundred and fifty days of breathing, thinking, eating and shitting. They say those are the best years of your life.
Pause
They say.
You say.
You said those were the best years of my life.
I was ten.
Pause
Those were the best years of my life?
You look at me and try to understand, to relate, to empathise.
Empathise. The word is foreign in my mouth. It doesn’t fit. Its ugly. It’s a loosing game so I don’t play it. It doesn’t exist so stop trying.
I was ten.
I feel it surging inside of me. Surging. Nails chipping into my intestines and I think am I a good person? What desions did this person make to end up here. Sitting with you and your empathetic gaze.
I was ten.
And it makes me sick.
It surges and infuses within me.
Pause
As the sweat oozed from my pores and the red rings around my ankles told a different story.
Those were the best years of my life.
Those were the best years of my life?
Pause
An infrequent occasion but I spoke to a friend. A rarity. A full moon.
Pause
I spoke to a friend and he listened. Something that sounds simple but really apparently is rather complex. We’re not very good at it. He didn’t try to insert uncomfortable empathy into my mouth.
Pause
He listened and instead used the word bamboozled. A solid word. A strong word.
Pause
Bamboozled
The situation so bizarre, inexplicable and fantastic that he could only describe himself as bamboozled.
I was ten, Our meeting, your existence… bamboozling.
I’ve come to realise that sometimes to understand something, to truly explore it and come to a definite conclusion is ridiculous. He’s right. Sometimes things are so uncanny they are bamboozling and better left well alone.
Pause
I was ten.
Dirt etched into the crevices of my hands. Every tiny line ingrained. Look at your hands. Look at them. LOOK!
Silence
I was ten
Silence
Right now someone’s dying,
Someone’s being raped,
Someone’s being born,
Someone’s having sex,
Someone’s eating a banana,
Reading a book,
Someone’s screaming at someone else,
Getting married,
Having a Netflix day,
Someone’s begging,
Buying a Ferrari,
Watching harry potter,
Skiving off work,
Having an affair,
Proposing.
Right now someone’s doing something.
Everyone’s doing something.
Right this second,
All in a second and then it’s another second.
all those things have probably happened quite a lot in the last few moments,
Pause
I can’t seem to get that thought out my head.
It’s there at the back all the time.
Moments seconds.
That’s all it was I guess.
I was ten.
Silence
Right now someone’s dying,
Someone’s being raped,
Someone’s being born,
Someone’s having sex,
Someone’s eating a banana,
Reading a book,
Someone’s screaming at someone else,
Getting married,
Having a Netflix day,
Someone’s begging,
Buying a Ferrari,
Watching harry potter,
Skiving off work,
Having an affair,
Proposing.
Right now someone’s doing something.
Everyone’s doing something.
Right this second,
All in a second and then it’s another second.
all those things have probably happened quite a lot in the last few moments,
Pause
I can’t seem to get that thought out my head.
It’s there at the back all the time.
Moments seconds.
That’s all it was I guess.
I was ten.
